Apologise
by claire-kay
Summary: John Paul's thoughts after leaving Craig at the airport.


**John Paul one shot. Just his thoughts after leaving Craig at the airport.**

* * *

John Paul had no recollection of how he managed to make the journey back home from the airport. All he remembers is everything slowing down as he started to walk away from the man he loves, as he walked away from a future that the two of them had planned, how he fought with everything inside of him not to turn around and take it all back and get on the plane.

But something was forcing John Paul not to do that, a fear that had been placed in him since the first lie Craig Dean had told him, growing quietly inside of him placing doubt in his mind, and doubt in his heart.

**I'm holding on your rope got me ten feet off the ground ****and I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound**

So many lies told. And so many lies believed. And who was worse? Craig for telling them. Or John Paul for being stupid enough to believe them time and time again. Love. It had blinded him completely. All he could see was the want and the passion and the need to have Craig. And when he did it was perfect. It was as if the world around him had dissolved away and it was just the two of them, lost in each other, lost in a world that existed only for them.

And at the time it had been enough. The love had made John Paul believe that it was enough, that nothing could get to it, no one from the outside could find their way in and ruin what the two of them had.

No one could get it. _No one. _But he had spent too much time focusing on the outside response that he didn't even see the one from Craig coming. At first it was fine. Amazing even, as he had sat opposite Craig on the bench that day, the words pouring effortlessly from Craig's mouth _"__I don't care who knows it__"_

**You tell me that you need me then you go and cut me down ****but wait you tell me that you're sorry - didn't think I'd turn around and say**

More lies. More lies that John Paul had been foolish enough to believe. Even the days after that, when John Paul would touch Craig and he would pull away, any kind of affection pushed aside, even then he continued to live in the world they had created.

Yes no one else could get in and ruin it. But unbeknown to John Paul, it was already starting to crumble down from the inside.

He was at his front door now. And he stood staring at it. He doesn't know how long he stood there. But he remembers. All the those times he opened the door to find Craig standing there. That look on he's face. Another handful of apologies and justifications of he's actions. Even now John Paul feels sick with how naive he was. How blinded by love he had been to believe every word. How he had put up a slight resistance and then Craig using the power he knew he had over Craig to pull that resistance down.

**I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you ****and I need you like a heart needs a beat - but that's nothing new**

He didn't know who to hate more. Craig for inflicting all of this. Or himself for allowing it to happen. He wanted to be able to blame Craig. Have all of this be he's fault. It was easier than looking inside himself and seeing the mistakes he had made.

But was he unreasonable in his request? Had it been wrong of him to ask Craig to do one thing? To show John Paul that he didn't care what anyone else thought.

Such a simple thing. A kiss. Just one kiss. And he couldn't do it.

But it wasn't just a kiss. And it wasn't simple. It was so much more than that. It meant Craig had accepted John Paul as he's partner. As the person he wanted to be with. Not just alone, not just when they were in their world. But outside of that. To show the world that love, to follow through with the promises he had made, to show that he really didn't care who else knew about them.

**I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue ****and you say sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you - but I'm afraid**

A panic set into John Paul. And he felt his heart race suddenly. He felt sick. He looked at the door in front of him, the realisation setting in that he would never open this door to see Craig standing behind it. The words he had spoke to Craig at the airport now ringing through his head. _"__I know I deserve better__"_

But did he? He had walked away. He had left Craig scared and alone at that airport. Now starting what would have been a life they would have had together, alone. He wondered if Craig might have followed him, finally found some courage to do what John Paul had asked. But he realised with each step he took away from Craig, that there wouldn't be a happy ending.

There would be no chase through the airport, no breathtaking kiss, no big declarations of love and apologies.

_This _was their ending.

The two of them apart. The world they had created broken and crumbled down around them. And there was no going back. There was no trying again. Because in that moment John Paul knew he had made the right decision. And it wasn't just for himself.

It was for Craig too. _"__You don't even know who you are__" _And he didn't. Craig had no idea. The moment John Paul sent that message to Sarah was the moment everything fell apart, and everything had been forced. Not because Craig wanted the world to know, not because he finally felt like he could do the right thing, but because he had no choice. And John Paul had been the cause of that. He had made Craig do something that he wasn't ready too, put him in that position because he was tired of feeling like the dirty little secret. He had been selfish.

And he had caused the destruction. He would have had to have dealt with the resentment from Craig that would inevitably follow. Walking away had been the only option. No matter right now how much his heart was breaking, how much inside of him was screaming to go to Craig and just take it all back, he knew he couldn't.

Craig couldn't apologise enough for the pain he had caused John Paul.

**It's too late to apologise, it's too late**

And John Paul couldn't apologise enough for forcing and pushing Craig.

**I said it's too late to apologise, it's too late**

This was how their story was destined to end. It had been a beautiful and all consuming love that from the start looking back now had been doomed to fail, but John Paul couldn't wish to take it all back, and he wouldn't. The pain and the heartache he felt know was almost unbearable, but the memories of those moments with just the two of them. When Craig had held him, and touched him, and looked at him – he had never felt anything like that – he may never again in his life. But he had a love once that had consumed him completely – pulled him in like an undeniable force pulling the two of them together.

As he opened the door and stepped into his home. His sisters and Mum sitting on the sofa wrapped up in a film, he hoped his presence wouldn't be known, but he paused to look at them all, realising this was all he had now, his life with Craig was over.

And as his Mum turned and caught his eye, the tears bottled up from the journey home fell, the emotion of the past months of having Craig in his life, of being caught up in lie after lie, those feelings came pouring out. The sadness of the love he had lost, the pain of realising the love had never stood a chance.

**I'm holding on your rope got me ten feet off the ground**


End file.
